Your favorite Parmegiano here, it’s Mean Gene with a series of new posts where I’ll be introducing the exotic, rarely seen aspects of European culture to you yankee doodle dandies.  Today I’m dropping some seriously awesome new cereal on you folks over there on the wrong side of the earth.  I’m not sure what’s more enticing about this box; the 3 main ingredients listed on the back: sugar, oil and chocolate flakes, or the Duck doing an air-split over the cereal bowl.  This shit looks like it was part of the original Howard the Duck promotion package and I’ve only seen it in Belgium, as if that’s the only country that has Howard the Duck fans?  Either way, we know what Mr. Gene P will be eating every morning for the next couple of weeks…..  

Gene P here, and to celebrate Kelly Slater’s 4th win on the WCT and all but wrapping up his 9th World Title, I’m happy to report to you, my gentle readers, after years of searching I have finally unearthed the secret to his success.   It’s all due to a lost mystic surf film, which he stumbled upon ages ago while searching for neon pink boogie board leashes at his local surf shop in Florida.  Did I astonish you? Well don’t fear dear reader, but yes, it’s true, Kelly Slater was originally a sponger. And it was this movie, mysteriously titled simply North Shore, that inspired him to give up the prone position. In this at times cryptic film to a bygone era, he learned all he has ever known about surfing.  It answers the big questions of the sport, such as:  How to duck dive?  What’s a “Barney”?  Just how aggro are the Brazilians?  And, can you tell someone is lame by the way they wear their shorts?  These and more are all answered within, proceed with caution my sweet baby-teethed blondies, these truths just may set you free……    

Belgian TWBE correspondent Gene Parmeshawn here to slather some chocolate on your waffle. I was riding the train the other day buttering my sandwich and thinking about all you whistling dixies who’ve checked out of Frat Row for the summer and into an internal frame backpack to slog the European Grand Tour. Shiny new beads ready to be crammed up the anus of the world’s best ever cities. So I put together some helpful rules to live by while European train riding, czech ‘em out:

1. Never get on a train without a fresh sack of McDonald’s or a suitable local substitute. First because the food on trains sucks and is expensive and second because the sweet smell of your super-sized Big mac and Fries wafting through the train car will definitely earn the esteem of your fellow passengers.

2. Always make sure your headphones are up at full volume. It’s a great way to guarantee that everyone around you can rock out to the same tunes you are, whether they like it or not. Also a surefire way to alert everyone to your fantastic musical taste.

3. Don’t leave your hotel without the latest model of iridium lens Oakley’s, and if they’re not on your eyes, they’re on your head. Why? Because Oakley’s are awesome, and their look is as international as Pizza, Disney or Air Jordan.
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Gene Parmegéne reporting to you again from Paris, this time from the Summer Music Festival:  Villette Sonique, which took place over last 2 weeks at Parc de Villette in Paris. The line up was pretty cool for this chubbfest; Devo, Sunset Rubdown, Deerhunter, The Go! Team, Dan Deacon and others.  Genius’ that they are, the event organizers pitted Devo up against a double bill of Deerhunter into Sunset Rubdown.  Despite my oath of allegiance to Mark Mothersbaugh (my dog and him are close friends) I chose the 12 euro ticket instead of the 40 euro one.  What I got in return was the lead singer of Deerhunter, angry at the concert promotors for calling him a “Géant Anorexique” (anorexic giant) in the band bio, threatening to sue for libel then requesting an audience volunteer to be pissed on (surprisingly, no one saddled up).  So inspired by this I decided to focus my report of this festival on the subject of “Asses”, real and figurative.  The following are from the Sunday free show which was with B. Dolan, Sage Francis, and some shitty portuguese band…….

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“Dynamite waiting to happen!” is what Anjay called it. Morbidly, he forecasted his own demise as the council members decided to “mix up” the districts. This episode’s end would find our Bollywood bound Hindu from Blue crying to whichever of his thousands of gods would listen as Greg exclaimed, “Dude, SHUT UP!” to his lame pre-challenge pep-talk and would ultimately dispute his seat on the town council. “Mix up” turned out to be a relative term when all but Laurel, whose course red hair and gritty New England accent left little room for discussion, added 1 member from another district to theirs, shattering friendships in the process but retaining the overall stink of each district. Despite adding Blaine, the girly pussies of Yellow still cried themselves to sleep at night, everyone on Blue still hates Anjay, especially since he split up Greg and Blaine, and Red is even more of a bunch of boogers with Nathan added to the mix (except for DK and Markelle; anyone who would buy a pogo stick for the sole purpose of ripping down someone’s campaign banner and pogo-ing on it in the center of town is alright in my book). But it wasn’t all bad, Blaine took advantage of his transfer to move out of Greg’s shadow. His increased presence was not overlooked as he was awarded the gold star this week. Still drunk on his newly acquired $20,000 of solid gold, Blaine put forth his bid to take on Zach for district leader as elections loom on the horizon. In his words, “I’m a man of action. I can get things done. Sometimes it takes actions to get things done.” That’s good talkin’ son. Here’s to hoping that it takes action to get things done all the time. Enjoy your 20G payday Blainester, GeneP out.