Gene P here, and to celebrate Kelly Slater’s 4th win on the WCT and all but wrapping up his 9th World Title, I’m happy to report to you, my gentle readers, after years of searching I have finally unearthed the secret to his success.   It’s all due to a lost mystic surf film, which he stumbled upon ages ago while searching for neon pink boogie board leashes at his local surf shop in Florida.  Did I astonish you? Well don’t fear dear reader, but yes, it’s true, Kelly Slater was originally a sponger. And it was this movie, mysteriously titled simply North Shore, that inspired him to give up the prone position. In this at times cryptic film to a bygone era, he learned all he has ever known about surfing.  It answers the big questions of the sport, such as:  How to duck dive?  What’s a “Barney”?  Just how aggro are the Brazilians?  And, can you tell someone is lame by the way they wear their shorts?  These and more are all answered within, proceed with caution my sweet baby-teethed blondies, these truths just may set you free……    

Belgian TWBE correspondent Gene Parmeshawn here to slather some chocolate on your waffle. I was riding the train the other day buttering my sandwich and thinking about all you whistling dixies who’ve checked out of Frat Row for the summer and into an internal frame backpack to slog the European Grand Tour. Shiny new beads ready to be crammed up the anus of the world’s best ever cities. So I put together some helpful rules to live by while European train riding, czech ‘em out:

1. Never get on a train without a fresh sack of McDonald’s or a suitable local substitute. First because the food on trains sucks and is expensive and second because the sweet smell of your super-sized Big mac and Fries wafting through the train car will definitely earn the esteem of your fellow passengers.

2. Always make sure your headphones are up at full volume. It’s a great way to guarantee that everyone around you can rock out to the same tunes you are, whether they like it or not. Also a surefire way to alert everyone to your fantastic musical taste.

3. Don’t leave your hotel without the latest model of iridium lens Oakley’s, and if they’re not on your eyes, they’re on your head. Why? Because Oakley’s are awesome, and their look is as international as Pizza, Disney or Air Jordan.
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Gene Parmegéne reporting to you again from Paris, this time from the Summer Music Festival:  Villette Sonique, which took place over last 2 weeks at Parc de Villette in Paris. The line up was pretty cool for this chubbfest; Devo, Sunset Rubdown, Deerhunter, The Go! Team, Dan Deacon and others.  Genius’ that they are, the event organizers pitted Devo up against a double bill of Deerhunter into Sunset Rubdown.  Despite my oath of allegiance to Mark Mothersbaugh (my dog and him are close friends) I chose the 12 euro ticket instead of the 40 euro one.  What I got in return was the lead singer of Deerhunter, angry at the concert promotors for calling him a “Géant Anorexique” (anorexic giant) in the band bio, threatening to sue for libel then requesting an audience volunteer to be pissed on (surprisingly, no one saddled up).  So inspired by this I decided to focus my report of this festival on the subject of “Asses”, real and figurative.  The following are from the Sunday free show which was with B. Dolan, Sage Francis, and some shitty portuguese band…….

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Hey there hot shits and little tits, it’s Gene Parmesan your favorite private cheese reporting from Paris. After an unpleasant altercation with one of the younger staff members at TWBE NYC offices, it was suggested with great relish that I should go abroad for a little while. Lucky for me there was an opening in TWBE Europe offices, which is a little less like an office, and a little closer to a loose network of hash dealers and pedophiles. Suffice it to say, I’m still waiting for my customized TWBE beret to return from the embroiderer. Anywho, I caught a fantastic collaboration by two of America’s greatest at the Grand Palais last Saturday night; a concert given by Philip Glass in the middle of Richard Serra’s installation titled Monumenta. More affter the jumpety jump…. [Read more]